


Everything I Ever Loved

by AtBashTheMighty



Series: I have no life [4]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Fall Out Boy Song, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Ending, Idiots in Love, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Pancakes!!!, Post-Canon, Post-Squip, Tattoos, and a drunk, favorite record, mostly Richjake, richjake, rich’s dad is an asshole, so much pining, the rest are only mentioned, violent nightmares, vivid daydreaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-03-28 18:03:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13909332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtBashTheMighty/pseuds/AtBashTheMighty
Summary: Rich's dad is an asshole so rich goes to spend the weekend with Jake. Shit happens.





	1. You're the song stuck in my head, every song I ever Loved

**Author's Note:**

> WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE NOT ENOUGH OF THESE TWO????

Here Rich was in front of Jake's new house, it was bigger and grander than the one he burned. He wore his white tank top showing some of his burn scars and plaid pajama pants, carrying a dark grey duffle bag he had stashed under his bed in case. His hand reached for the doorbell but retracted it and started to cry. It had been 3 months since the Squip incident and things were back to normal but he still felt guilty each time he went to Jake's house, and what his dad had said to him didn't make him feel any better. But he was able to ring the doorbell before his knees buckled and he started to sob.

 

That's where Jake found him, on his porch, on his knees crying into his hands.  Rich looked up to see the boy he loved in the doorway with a worried look. All Jake wanted to do at that moment was kiss him till he felt better but restrained. Rich picked himself up off the ground and looked at him.

"I-I'm really sorry f-for coming so late, but my dad is having another episode a-and I know I really shouldn't be here but since things are almost ba-ack to normal, could I-I stay for the night?" He asked turning his head and cringing when his lisp shined through his speech.

Instead of answering Jake just embraced his best friend in a hug. "Of course you can stay, I told you I forgave you" He murmured in his ear. Rich looked at him and smiled a really watery smile. 

Jake took the duffel bag to his room, called Rich in. He has been there before but he could help but marvel at the chandelier that hung above him. Secretly he wanted it to fall on him and shatter.

 

"Come on, I started Psycho," Jake said climbing the stairs. "I'm on a horror movie marathon, no time to lose, let's go". Rich laughed a real genuine laugh that made Jake's heart flutter and cheeks start to turn a pretty shade of red.  When he got to his room Rich just jumped face first on the bed, while Jake got the popcorn he had put on his nightstand and sat cris-crossed beside Rich's sprawled out body. 

__

Rich opened his eyes to a forest, he looked for Jake but didn't find him anywhere. He started to wander the clearing until he came upon a tomb without a cemetery. He was about to check the name when Jake appeared behind him. They were about ten feet apart, and Rich walked closer until they were 2 feet apart. His hand slide to his chest and started to rip the skin open. Bent over, he took out a human heart still beating and covered in red blood glistening in the moonlight. A hand still on the bleeding wound growing bigger, he handed to the heart to Jake. Jake took the heart with a blank expression, he took one glance at it before he ripped it in half, blood covering their faces, Rich's knees buckled over in pain. When he hit the ground everything went dark.  

__

Rich's eyes flew open as he sat up on Jake's bed, covering his mouth in terror of what he'd just gone through. He quickly looked for Jake, which he was in the same position he was when Rich fell asleep, shoving popcorn into his mouth, eyes fixated on what was now Freddy Kruger. Rich adored the way the screen aluminated his face making the freckles that dusted his cheeks a little more noticeable. He was in near tears when he realized his best friend would never like him back ever. This made him remember what his dad said to him _"You really think you'll find someone who loves you? Please, your best friend doesn't even like you . . ."_  .His head fell on Jake's shoulder with tears spilling from his eyes. Jake paused the movie to comfort his love by hugging him and telling he was here and that his father can't hurt him here, not knowing that wasn't why he was crying.

 

Later after finishing Nightmare On Elm Street, Rich fell asleep again and Jake followed. Taking the opportunity to sleep next to Rich, he slid under the covers beside him. He took in the gorgeous sight of a sleeping Richard Goranski. His heart hurt of how much he wanted to be able to kiss him whenever he wanted to, hold hands in public, to call Rich his. Jake stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead and whispered "Goodnight, my love". He saw Rich smile in his sleep and his heart leaped. He started to edge closer to sleep as the minutes ticked on.

\--

Rich was back in that forest, this time he wasn't bleeding on the ground but instead he was on a tire swing with a silver ring on his left finger, wondering how it got there. Suddenly the scenery changed to a ballroom with guests. Jeremy and Michael dancing along with Chole with Brooke and Christine with Jenna. Rich noticed that he was wearing a suit and also dancing with someone. He looked up to see who it was, and he ended up looking into the probable love of his life, Jacob Dillinger smiling fondly at him. Rich's cheek heated up 'cause ' ** _HOLY SHIT! His crush was waltzing with him and happy about it'_** But then Jake kissed him lovingly on his lips and said, "Babe, it's our wedding".  But it all went to black.

\--

 Rich woke up being very frustrated with himself 'cause it was the most wonderful dream he's had ever. But he wasn't expecting to wake up with his best friend clinging on to him like a child with a teddy bear. He leaned into Jake's chest, the smell was intoxicating, Rich wanted to make a candle out of it. It was so simply Jake, he smelled like cinnamon and butterscotch with the faintest hint beer, it felt like a drug to him. Rich let himself think that in a different reality Jake was his. He started to fantasize about the dream and how Jake danced with him and how he kissed him. God, he would he give anything for that to happen again. His eyelids started to get heavy and he started to drift to sleep.

**________________________________**

 

Jake woke up at 8 even tho it was Saturday. It was just a habit from 11 years of school schedules messing shit up.  He savored the feeling of Rich's muscular arms around his waist and his head was on his chest. He wanted nothing more than to kiss him till he woke up but since Rich wasn't his, he lightly kissed the small teen's lips so he wouldn't wake up and got out of bed to make pancakes for them.

 

Rich would never emit it to anyone but he hated that he didn't wake up with Jake. He wanted to see him in his arms again. But instead, he was alone in his room with the smell of pancakes in the air. Jake knew he loved pancakes, his heart swelled at the thought that Jake was making pancakes **_just for him_**. 

 

He walked into the kitchen with a Jake in his red sweatshirt, a t-shirt, and boxers on flipping pancakes on a griddle. It would've looked like they were married or at the least together, so domestic and Rich wanted to vomit. Jake handed him a plate with a chocolate-chip pancake that made a smile. Rich laughed and stated "Wow, I'm impressed with this work of art" as he sat down. Jake smiled but rolled his eyes at the compliment. He pulled out his phone and Broken by Lovely.The.Band started to play. The teen started to sway and tap his foot to the beat to the music. He flipped the last pancake onto the plate then held out his hand for Rich to take, which he didn't hesitate to do. Their dance turned into a mess of flailing arm and uncoordinated spinning but as the song ended, Jake dipped him form the weird waltz they were doing, his smug face only made Rich want to kiss it off. But no, he was stuck there in Jake's muscular arms desperately wanting Jake to kiss him. 

 

 

But time tic's on and was waiting for what more the weekend could bring.

 

 

  


	2. I confessed to you riding shotgun, But I can't forget the way we danced

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New York, New York, These vagabond Shoes are dying to stray, these little town blues.

         The rest of Saturday was spent driving to New York and walking around. Jake wanted to take him to Brooklyn to see his favorite shop, but it was 1 a.m. and Rich was starting to get tired and wanted to go back to Jake's house. So like the friend he is he obliged, and they went back to the house.  On the drive back to New Jersey, Rich had fallen asleep in his car, and he started to murmur, first, it was gibberish then turn into words spoken so softly that if it wasn't for the dead silence in the car, Jake wouldn't have clearly heard him say " I love you". It's not like he wanted to hear that for the rest of his life, it's not like he would sell his soul to hear it again, but boy, his heart did explode when Rich then preceded to nuzzle his face into Jake's shoulder. But his body started to shake and tremble, tears started to drip from his eyes, his arm started to flail as he yelled "No! NO! Jake!". Jake, had pulled to the side of the road and was trying to wake up his best friend.

   "Rich wake-up! I'm right here! please wake up, I'm here. I'm not leaving you. Please wake up!" Jake yelled, shaking Rich. 

    "No! don't leave me! Jake!" Rich eyes flew open once again to see his best friend on top of him shaking his frame. Rich hugged him tightly for only moments before he saw him plunge to his death. Jake hugged back just as tight, whispering "I'm here" over and over again so Rich would calm down. He pulled away only to cup Rich's cheek and whipped away the tear stains with his thumb. He could do it, Jake thought. He could totally do it. He stared into Rich's dark-green eyes which were looking back with fear, comfort, and another thing couldn't place or name. He started to lean in until he saw the red and blue light flashing And didn't want to cause trouble so, dreams crushed. 

   "Let's get home okay? Are you okay? Will you be okay?" He asks. Rich just nods and gives him a weak smile. Rich didn't trust his voice, for he could've sworn he saw Jake lean in. But sadly he was stuck on the rest of the ride home trying to figure out if he had hallucinated. 

**__________**

    Rich was on a shoreline, but not one of Earth's. The sky was red, the grass was pink, the treetops were blue, the cliff rocks were a dark purple. And there Rich was, feet over the edge gazing at the twin sunned sky and the velvet water below. He heard rustling from behind him and immediately turned around to see the love of his life leaning against a blacked trunk, blue leafed tree sporting his signature easygoing smile. Jake walked over and sat down beside Rich. Then proceeded to thread his hands through the smaller boy's hair. Things were perfect except the fact that it wasn't real. Rich was trying not to give in, head screaming _IT'S NOT REAL, IT'S NOT REAL, IT'S NOT REAL._ But when dream Jake decided it was a good idea to kiss him, Rich lost all self-restraint and gave in, enjoying it while it lasted. They pulled away and Rich pressed his forehead against his, smiling like a kid won a free puppy or won the lottery. Jake smiled back, and everything was bliss. But when Rich said I love you, Jake's smile slipped into a frown. He sat up and so did Rich panicking. 

"Jake, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't leave me" Rich pleaded as he looked down at the water.

Jake turned back and whispered "I'm sorry" before he plummeted into the violet waters below.

___________

   Jake pulled into his driveway around 2 am. He put his gear shift into park and looked over at his best friend, who was looking morbidly out the window. 

 

   "You know you can tell me, what the dream was about, but you don't have to" Jake finally spoke. Rich turned to face him with his arm propping his head up.

 

   "I rather not tell you" Rich spoke softly, turning his back to the window " I really don't know how you'd take to it, it was a pretty bazaar dream"

 

    "I get that, you pretty much having a seizure in my front seat" Jake joked but quickly stopped when Rich deadpanned.

 

       "We were on a cliffside on a distorted planet, we were at the edge and you decided to jump" Rich was now staring at the dashboard, tears were starting spill down his face. "I don't want to lose you, Jake. After my attempt with the fire, I just- " He trailed off turning away from Jake's face. "I just don't want to lose someone. I don't want to lose you, especially". He finally looked at him, tears flowing from his eyes. Jake's brown eyes softened at the sight in front of him, Rich was crying. Rich was crying because he did want to lose him. It had sunk in and Jake felt warm on the inside. It was a good thing it was 2 am and dark or else Rich would've seen the not-so-subtle blush that swept across his face. But Rich was still crying and Jake had started to, so he hugged him tight what must have felt like the hundredth time. And Rich hugged back as if Jake was his lifeline, which wasn't far from the truth.

     "I not leaving you anytime soon, okay?" He spoke. Rich's head was in his hands, and he took part the chance to kiss his forehead of which he didn't refuse. Rich's heart had started to beat 10x faster or had stopped. He just lied his head in the crook of Jake's neck.

  They just stayed there for a while, in the front seats of Jake's car, holding each other. Rich's death grip on Jake's waist soon loosened and asked if they could go inside. He wasn't tired now and really didn't want to go back to sleep yet. He really didn't want to see that again.

    So he just changed into his PJs and grabbed a checkered brown and blue blanket and wrapped it around himself. He was trying so hard not to over think things, like the way they had danced that morning, how he comforted him after his dream, how he cried for him, how he kissed his forehead. Rich's head was starting to get dizzy. So he unlocked his phone and started to play one of his favorite songs for making him nostalgic, Ribs by Lorde. 

It started with the glistening drone of a beat. And soon he found himself swaying and singing to the song in Jake's TV room

" . . . _We can talk it so good_  
We can make it so divine  
We can talk it good  
How you wish it would be all the time . . ."

By the time Jake saw the short boy, he was singing

  

_" . . . I want them back (I want them back)_  
_The minds we had (the minds we had)_  
_It's not enough to feel the lack (I want them back, I want them back)_  
_I want 'em_

_You're the only friend I need (you're the only friend I need)_  
_Sharing beds like little kids (sharing beds like little kids)_  
_And laughing 'til our ribs get tough (and laughing 'til our ribs get tough)_  
_But that will never be enough (but that will never be enough)_

_You're the only friend I need (you're the only friend I need)_  
_Sharing beds like little kids (sharing beds like little kids)_  
_And laughing 'til our ribs get tough (and laughing 'til our ribs get tough)_  
_But that will never be enough (but that will never be enough)_

_That will never be enough_  
_That will never be enough_  
_That will never be enough_  
_That will never be enough_  
_That will never be enough"_

 

The song had ended and Jake started to applaud. Rich's body tensed, he turned around with a face of terror.

 

 

"You- you weren't supposed to- to hear that" Rich stuttered, looking up at him. Jake moved closer, smiling.

 

 

"You weren't bad tho, you were actually pretty great,"  Jake assured. 

 

 

" I- I was?" Rich asked shocked, Jake nodded.  " I have actually have a tattoo of the lyrics".

 

 

"Really?! How!?" Jake questioned loudly, he wanted to know how he had tattoos as a 16-year-old- going-on-17 in a few months.

 

 

"I have a fake ID and I'm personal friends with my artist" He answered smugly, "I had gotten it done freshmen year, so no one would've known anyways" 

 

 

And out of confidence, Jake asked, "Can I see it?" I mean only if you're comfortable"

 

 

"Sure but you'll be the first one" Rich babbled as he took off his white tank top. His Burn Scars were very visible but Jake was still able to see the lyrics for the last verse on his ribs (ha get it? ribs?). 

 

 

"Wow" Jake mused lost for words, his face was starting to heat up since RICH WAS TOPLESS AND IN HIS PRESENCE. honestly, get this guy a boyfriend. He reached out to touch it but then retracted his hand, looking up at Rich for approval, which he nodded. "Cool".

 

"I do have more on my back, I think unless the scars blur them"  Rich said turning around. On his back, his right shoulder blade was decorated with a wilting ink rose, along with the words " Fall Apart With All Your Heart".  There was a few more, such as  planet and stars, and more quotes. But what caught Jake's eye was one in some sort of code. It spelt " R olev blf, Qzpv Wroozmtvi" and it looked rather new.

" Hey, Rich? " Jake asked putting thumb on the tattoo, the cipher and lettering looked familiar. He humed in acknowledgement. "what's this one mean?". He looked down to were Jake had his hand on his left side and immediately tensed, pulling away from Jake, he had hoped he wouldn't find that one. 

 

" uhhh uhh, it- it means I hate fear, Popp Gungrum, in the Atbash cipher" Rich mentally kicked himself for saying the actual cipher so he could figure out what it actually meant. He could've said the Caesar cipher but no. Hopefully Jake wouldn't look it up.

 

Jake had clearly made Rich uncomfortable and hated himself for that. "Oop, sorry" Jake apologized, " when did you get it done?"

 

" Three or four weeks ago" He answered. "Hey, this is going to sound weird but can I sleep with you? please I really don't want to go back to that planet" Rich asked putting back on his shirt. 

Jake was blushing now and was fumbling with words but managed. "Yeah, yeah, nah you're good. Do you want the right or left side?"

 

" It really doesn't matter to me"

____________

 

Rich was curled around him again, but this time Jake didn't know if he could sleep. He was overthinking about things, which was never good. _Did he mean the 'I love you' , was for me? What if I kissed this morning? What if I had leaned in? Would he be my boyfriend? Or would I have ruined our friendship? WHAT IF?!?!WHAT IF?!? WHAT IF?!? WHAT IF?!?WHAT IF?!?_

Jake's was starting to get really noisy. He picked up his phone and started to type Rich's tattoo into a cipher website and hit decipher for shits and giggles. But when it show up, his heart started to beat 1000x faster or had stopped beating 'cause what Rich had told him wasn't what it translated to. 

 

**_I love you, Jake Dillinger_ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the dreams I have described so far I've actually had. Also highly recommend checking out the song. 10/10 best song.
> 
> Another thing, the next chapter is going to be long, so it will take awhile.


	3. I'll spin for you like our favorite records used to

Jake couldn't sleep, how could he? His best friend and love had a tattoo of a confession and what's worse? He's sleeping next to him! Jake couldn't breathe. And being in his house made it worse. So he got up, he climbed out his bedroom window like he had done so many times before. He got down to the pitch black streets where he started to walk. Soon he found a familiar field. 

 _A field_. Jake thought, it was starting to come back to him. Back in sophomore year in the early days of their friendship even before Rich had got the squip he remembered that him and Rich came here one day to do their homework and that Rich had taught him a few ciphers after accidentally looking through one of his notebooks and finding a few key and pages of encrypted coding and then apologizing profusely. Jake still remembered what Rich wore, his green plaid shirt with blue jeans. 

 

" _So what's this one_?" Jake asked, pointing to one of the keys.

 

" _That's a 7 shift right Caesar cipher, the Caesar cipher can range in shifts to the right or left. I personally prefer to the right since it's easier for me, shifts really depend on you._ " Rich stated scooting closer to Jake to point out the other cipher. " _That one's the Atbash cipher, it's another Caesar cipher but it's a 26 letter shift so it is it's own cipher._ "

 

" _That's actually pretty cool that you know all of these. Do you have all of these memorized_?" Jake questioned, admiring Rich's adorable soft lisp as he spoke. Rich nodded and smiled, almost seemed he was turning pinkish.

 

" _I use them mostly at school and at my house so that if I'm writing something private that people think it's gibberish_." Rich claimed with confidence.

 

" _Do you just use letter or do you also use symbols_?"

 

" _Symbols are a bit harder for me but I do use them too_." Rich said. Jake stayed quiet for a second flipping through the pages. " _You're not gonna tell anyone are you? Please don't people already think of me as weird_."

 

" _I don't think you're weird, I think you're pretty cool._ " Jake corrected smiling a toothy smile at Rich, who just gave one right back that made Jake's cheeks turn pink.

 

" _Thanks bro._ "

 

Jake looked up at the night sky and smiled at the memory. Rich back then was his own quirky self back before the squip, before the fire and Jake fell for him without it. He stared at the stars just think about the very beautiful Richard Goranrski.

________

Rich was back on that planet, with the distorted colors and beautiful landscape. He took a second to realize that there was a figure in the distance in a black trench coat. Rich started to walk with some hesitation since all the other dreams ended with death. As he approached closer he noticed that the trench coat looked familiar and worn. When he was about 15 feet from the thing it turned around to reveal a woman with long curly blonde hair . Rich screamed and started to back away before it said:

 

"Richard please, I mean you no harm, I'm here to help you please stop screaming" the Squip said softly. This took Rich by surprise so he stopped screaming.

 

"So what do you want?" Rich asked suspiciously. 

 

"I told I want to help, I want to make up for I've done so I thought I'd help you with your current Jake situation since it's so obvious he loves you back. Rich, I want you to know that I'm not asking for your forgiveness, I know what I did was unspeakable and had some awful consequences and there is no excuse for any of it." Squip said, looking at it's feet like it was an insecure teenager. Rich was really taken back by the squip's actions to apologize, he almost said yes right there. But he was smarter then that.

 

"I'll only agree to your help on two conditions." Rich retorted.

 

"Which are?" It asked looking up in surprise.

 

"1. I call the shots, if I wanna back out you get to let me back out and 2. You have leave me alone after this is all done, and if you go power hungry again I'm calling Michael, got it?"

 

"Yes"

 

"So were you the one giving me these weird dreams?"

 

"Yes I was but it was the only way that I could communicate without seeming as a threat."

 

"oh"

 

"My first few attempts were unsuccessful and I apologize if there was any unsettling imagery" 

 

"it's fine, I got over it." Rich pause and felt something inside him shift like something going on outside the dream was happening "Jake left". The squip turned alarmed.

 

"what do you mean he left, did he leave you as a friend or did he leave the bed?!"

 

"He left the bed, Jesus!" 

 

"Oh well let's go after him." It suggested.

 

"I don't know how to wake up" 

 

"just close your eyes and I'll do the rest". Rich did what he was instructed to and it all went black

___________

 He woke up to find that he was right, the bed was empty and that the bedroom window was open. The squip manifested it's self and was looking at the room.

 

"He got a new place" 

 

"Well kinda had to". The squip looked ashamed before jolted his focus to the window and turned to Rich.

 

"He's at the field, the one where you guys used to do homework"

 

"He is? Why would he there?"

 

"we'll have to find out." Rich's blood went cold at a thought, the thought that he knew what the tattoo meant it scared him shitless. "I know what you're thinking and stop it I don't want to fuck this up for you".

"But he could hate and never want to see me again if he knows". Rich exclaimed.

 

"Richard believe me when I say your feelings for that boy are requited, and that if he hated you why would he let you stay in his new house or let you sleep next to him?" . Rich went silent, the squip had a very good point. He could feel his face heating up. "Let's get moving then if you've got nothing more to say".

____________

Rich was walking towards the field,he could make out a person in the middle laying on their back. He knew it was Jake. 

"Squip, I think I'm gonna do this alone, thank you for your help" he said looking up at the walking computer chip. With that the squip took a bow and disappeared in nothing. And Rich kept walk to the figure, face starting to heat up and palms getting sweaty. The heavy thoughts of Jake's possible knowledge of his tattoo's actual meaning and Thoughts of Jake never wanting to see him again and everything becoming awkward between them swirled in his head. Rich wouldn't be able to handle that, he'd be all for putting his head through that noose in his closet. He couldn't lose Jake, and the thoughts of him doing started to show when tears started to stream from his eyes.

_____

"Jakey?" 

 

Jake knew that nickname, it was one that Rich used when he was really happy or when he was scared. He sat up and turned to see Rich standing there in his PJ's looking scared for his life, Jake's heart felt like it got stabbed. He was about to get up but the shorter teen walked forward and sat down beside him.

 

"Jakey, why are you out here?" Rich asked with concern seeping through his voice. Jake melted at the nickname.

 

"I wanted to look at the stars. Richie, are you okay?" Jake asked, slipping his own personal nickname for him in there. In response to his question Rich hugged him tight, tighter then he did the car. He hugged him like Jake was the only thing Rich would ever need."Richie, are   You okay?" He asked again this time with more urgency this time. Rich looked up at Him with fear and Jake could only describe as want. 

 

"I'm sorry, I guess I thought, guess I thought you left" he sniffed, scooting away and wiping his tears with his arm.

 

 Jake lost it, and without thinking he tackled Rich and pinned his scarred shoulders to the ground. He looked down to see a Rich with his eyes wide and lips slightly parted. Jake just stared at him for a moment not knowing what to do before he leaned down and connected their lips together. A second later realized what he did and panicked that he read everything wrong and just ruined the most genuine relationship he had. But it all ceased once Rich started to gently kiss back, bringing a hand to the back of His neck. So he melted back into it. But the gentleness of the affair seemed to escalate to something more when Rich's touge swiped Jake's bottom lip asking for permission, which was granted almost immediately. It was bliss for both of them until the need for oxygen had to exist, they pulled apart with both of them looking dazed but satisfied.

 

"Together?"

 

"Together." 

**Author's Note:**

> I tried. oh well hoped you liked it. come follow me on tumblr, @Charcoal-and-pinetrees


End file.
